chronicles of bam

ubaf continues

2005-06-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

rules of engagement:

it has been brought to our attention that things are getting out of hand. the brotherhood has been destroyed and c-blocking has reached a threshold that has proven to be pestilential to all mankind. as a warning, please brace yourselves upon reading the information briefing as follows.

one instance in the san diego county, a law student had been stepping his game up and finally asking a girl for her number. almost instantaneously, as if intuitive, three anti-ubaf males approached the pair and started preliminary stages of the ever growing popular attack tactic, "c-blocking". as if to interrupt and intercept the digits from the female, the three started their practice of the dark side of the force. however, the ever brave law student held his ground and successfully retrieved the number at a predetermined time and place.

later that week, it was time for the law student to utilize the groundwork he had put in. they decide to go to a school function that weekend. this was hardly an educational event, but nonetheless, they went. as soon as they arrived, anti-ubaf males started to make their way to the girl. like zombies waddling to their prey, one by one tried to use their cock blocking skills.

this is not to be taken lightly. this is a serious matter. in fact, so serious, that this could mean the end of our world as we know it. these are simple rules of engagement and you fuckers can't follow it. you end up looking like the douche bag when you roll up on a chick while another dude is getting her number. mad haters. the world should really have a fucking player hater's ball...instead they should have a fucking cock blocker's ball. i wonder who would win that shit.

which brings me to my theory....

the ugly girl syndrome:

this has nothing to do with the first part, but i just wanted to introduce this. the ugly girl syndrome states that if a halfway decent looking girl is next to ridiculously tore up girls, that halfway decent girl will look like a fucking supermodel. my intentions? well, first of all, i'm really annoyed when these halfway decent looking girls act like they are the shit. i know for a fact that most of the girls in this particular law school are busted and when there is one girl who doesn't have a third eye, or a missing finger, the male law students go nuts. every man for himself. all the while, they can get this girl at the local supermarket, or your local gym. oh well, we're all going to die anyways.

thank you sir, may i have another?

2005-05-23T00:55:00.000-07:00

here is an old blog i wrote when i was still working at my previous company, but i took it off because it might have gotten me in trouble. but fuck it now, i'm done with that shithole. here it goes...

i've always watched it on tv and seen it in movies....but, oh yea, it's real. joining the work force as of 6 months ago, many stereotypes of the american corporate office has been revealed in front of my two very own slanty eyes. to preface this cross examination, i work in an office of 8. two companies in the same suite: commercial real estate firm (my company), and a failed capital fund. these 8 include, two young assistants, one fine ass account manager (me), a sex addicted mid-aged president (commercial real estate), an old-fashioned, creepy, crusty, 72 year old president (capital fund), a mid-aged shady fund advisor with a failed marriage who can't let go of his high school glory days, and two interns. the assistants and interns are all female...go figure. the big boss men of these two company, the presidents, are rich old white men. one father, one son. thus begins our investigation...

witness exhibit a.)
assistant of hedge fund: sitting at her desk
72 year old boss of capital fund: "well my dear, you are looking rather ravishing today. tomorrow i would love for you to wear a bunny suit" i swear this happened. he really talks like that

witness exhibit b.)
assistant of hedge fund: bending over, filing papers
72 year old boss of capital fund: "wow, my darling, look at you...bending over...you look terribly attractive. if i were a few years younger, i might just have to do something about it."

witness exhibit c.)
ucla intern: sitting at her desk
shady fund advisor: "hey there, will i see you at the ucla/usc game? we should go together. i just got some movies from netflix, i remember you mentioned you liked scary movies...i got some, want to watch them with me? what are you doing tonight? want to get sushi?" this happened daily.

witness exhibit d.)
assistant of capital fund: overhearing a conversation between sex addict president of my company and other assistant
sex addict: "...if he wants some money, like $1,000, i'll give it to him."
assistant of capital fund: "i want $1,000!"
sex addict: "you want $1,000? get on your knees!" i was fuckin' shocked

regardless of what he meant by "get on your knees", that shit was...i mean...no words could describe the awkwardness of the office at that point. these were just a few of many, many occasions of sexual harrassment in my office. the worst part of it is, these old ass geezers don't even think it's inappropriate. they probably don't even give a fuck. they've got money to buy their way out of anything.

after the shady fund advisor got the boot, it's been the one-two punch of both the presidents...like father, like son. day after day, i come into work excited and eager to see what's going to happen next.

ironically, my boss, the president of the real estate company, had been caught two years ago cheating on his wife with a previous assistant that he had. some things never change.

these are the continuation of my series of lessons that everyone should live by:

lesson 1: as you move up the corporate ladder, the more degrading you treat your subordinates, the faster you will get to the top.
lesson 2: smack as many interns' ass as you can in a day and compete with your co-workers. tally up and at the end of the day, the winner doesn't have to pay for the strip club later that night.
lesson 3: everyone is inferior to you when you are someone's boss, they are your slaves.

to be continued...

what the deuce?

2005-04-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

funny story. so i was at my friend's apartment, hanging out. late night, my friend was on his phone talking to this girl he has been sort of bonin'. they talk and whatever, and she agrees to stop by. late night...visit...could mean only one thing...bootycall. ubaf approves. he does his hilarious 'half-baked' impression and chants, "i got some booty, i got some booty"...well done cleric. but no, it gets better...

so we start talking, giggling like little school girls..."where did you meet her?"..."oh i met her on the internet"..."we hit it a few times before"...blah blah blah....being all loud and shit.

a few minutes pass she calls saying she's outside. so my friend goes out to get her, and right when he opens the front door, he freezes. she was standing outside by the door in the hallway the whole time? we thought she was outside the building. this can't be good. they come in, everything seems cool, normal, kosher. a look of nervousness sweeps my friend's face...how long has she been out there? did she hear everything? small talk here, small talk there, she then decides to use the bathroom. 5 minutes roll by, she's still in there and we're thinking she's doing one of three things: 1. doing lines on the bathroom counter 2. dropping a duce, or 3. escaping...only, there is no window in that bathroom, so there was a 50/50 chance she was shitting up a storm...gggeeeeeewww.

finally she comes out, and claims she left her cell phone in her car. she leaves to go get it. it takes only a minute or so for 3 decently intelligent and educated men to figure out that she had her cell phone the whole time...how else could she have called from the hall way? booyakasha. she boned out. we still weren't 100% sure that she left for good...give us a break...we were half-baked. so we wait, 30, 40, 55 minutes goes by...she's definitely gone. my friend calls her, no answer. that shit was ricockulus...that's re-cock-you-lus, say it out loud

more rules kids...

1.) do not jeopordize your bootycall by making fun of the girl or the situation...she might be right outside your door. and if you do, keep it classroom voices, or in another room, anywhere but right by the door. or if you want, do it after you've porked her.

2.) if a girl calls you a couple times and she is right outside your door, that's fucking freaky anyway, the bitch is crazy. be prepared to use self-defense. can you defend yourself from a crazy lady with a knife?

3.) be aware of the poopy pants. if a girl drops a doozy in your beloved throne, you don't want to be touchin' that bitch anyway, throw her the fuck out.

for scotty mann-whore

2005-04-05T19:29:00.001-07:00

sing it out loud cuz i did while i was writing this......

scotty doesn't know
that fiona and me
do it in my van every sunday

she tells him she's in church
but she doesn't go
still she's on her knees and

scotty doens't know-o
scotty doesn't know-o
so don't tell scotty
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
so don't tell scotty

fiona says she's out shopping
but she's under me and i'm not stopping

cuz scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
so don't tell scotty
scotty doesn't knoooooow
don't tell scotty

i can't believe he's so trusting
while i'm right behind you thrusting

fiona's got him on the phone
and she's trying not to moan
it's a three way call
and he knows nothing...nothing

scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
don't tell scotty
cuz scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't knoooooow
so don't tell scotty

we'll put on a show, everyone will go
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't knoooooow

parking lot, why not?
it's so cool when you're on top
his front lawn, in the snow
laughing so hard

cuz scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know

i did her on his birthday

scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
scotty doesn't know
don't tell scotty
scotty doesn't knoooooow

...and a banana cogniac biatch!

who says that?

2005-03-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

the year is 2005. you'd think "p.c." would take over america by now....especially in large metropolitan areas such as la. today, we are going to do a case study. i don't know if it's just my boss and his family or all rich white folk, but at least most people who are racist, they keep it pc...or at least know what they're saying if they aren't going to be and expect a negative response. but, i am really really starting to believe that my boss and his family live in another fucking universe. wiggita wiggita wiggita let's gooo!!!....

case 1.) "...he's fuckin persian. you know how they are. they treat all their women like shit, inferior to them, and they just can't be trusted."

this comment was directed towards one of our biggest clients. in no instances of the conversation had any woman or female been mentioned. he was just talking about our client and his trust issues. why he had to throw in the.."they treat all women like shit"?! i have no clue.

case 2.) "aren't you glad you're not black? i mean...i know you're asian...they didn't have it as bad as black people...but aren't you glad though?"

i was fuckin' shocked. first of all, there was no leading conversation up this this comment. my boss' wife just walked up to me, haven't talked to her all morning, and busted out with this. i was frantic......"uh...i wish i was black, then i could rap and play basketball and shit..." was all that came out of my mouth.

the sad part is, they are so naive to the fact that what they are saying might offend some....most....people. i mean, i think they are closet white supremacists, minus the looting and murdering.

for me, it really doesn't phase me when i hear a racist comment here and there...i know i'm gorgeous. but imagine if they said that shit to someone who did care....somewhere other than the comfort of their own office or home. the fuckers would be gettin' their ass beat down not knowing why...sad, but well deserved.

and a baby was born

2005-02-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

this is my first blog.

so i walk into work this morning and my boss tells me first thing in the morning that he had deleted my aol instant messenger. damn. what now? do work? nonsense.....blog! following in the footsteps of jon, i am pretty confident that this will keep me from napping or singing gangsta rap songs out loud out of boredom from work.